What if you just want to be saved. Found again so you can be yourself. To be able to rip off our mask. Set free from all the hurt of the world. To forget all those bad memories. To be able to smile again. That’s all i wish for. Just to be able to be me. No one else but my true face. To not have to hide who i am anymore.
I feel lost, and i don’t know where i’m at. When i’m with someone i feel like i’m somewhere else. All my emotions keep being bottled up. They go nowhere and just stay inside me. I feel like screaming my lungs out. My eyes want to pour water out and never stop. Even though some of the saddening pain flows out it continues to pour. My identity is lost. I need to find it and hopefully it will be soon, because i’m going crazy.
I feel like my stomachs in a knot. Tied so hard that i wont be able to untangle it. The knot pulls closer together every time i touch it. I just want to use a pair of scissors to cut it off even if the string gets shorter. Only one way. One way to get rid of it easily and painlessly. The aching never seizes to stop. Its like a constant itch on your body that wont go away. Just one day i would like to feel like the whole world around me isn’t collapsing and doesn’t hate me. It looks down on me like a pitiful being, like it is on some higher ground or better stature than me. I sometimes feel like its just me, myself, and I. The only one who understands me or truly knows my dark secrets that which i hold inside. Never to reveal a hint of that darkness is what i fight for. I fight for freedom, a way to be set free from the shackles that bind me to this world of misery.
So a day ago i went to the beach with my best friend and her family and so i got excited when we got there. First we had to go up a tall sand hill which was steep and scary since i hate heights, but as we finally got the top i felt better. The sun was bright and shining so nice with the cool breeze of the ocean air. The waves of the water looked so violent, but yet so beautiful. I wasn’t sure if i was gonna get in the water or not, even though later i did after all. It scared me at first since i had never actually put my feet into the ocean water before. As I grew closer each step with each returning wave my fear began to fade of me being pulled. The funny part of this day was me falling six times, and accidently swallowing water, salty water, five times.
Though my knees kept scraping and i kept swallowing water, i seemed to be captured by the whole ocean’s beauty. Like as if it called to me. That peaceful day was probably one of the best days of my life. Especially since i couldn’t stop laughing. The crazy part is that i saved a kid who was choking because he couldn’t handle the wave. He stepped on my foot though and scratched it, which kinda hurt but it was fun even with all the pain and ugly sunburn.
WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
when i was four and a big storm came and i went outside only to almost get squashed by a tree, but my brother jumped to get me
I feel guilty for making my brother take forever on the fishing trip. I was walking down hill, but i’m so afraid of heights i couldn’t move so i decided to roll down the hill on my butt. He came back up to help me because i was too afraid to fall down the steep hill. When we had finally sat down after casting our fishing lines the park ranger had told us the park was closing. I felt really bad making my brother come back up the hill just to help me because of my stupidity. I know everyone has their own fear, but why did my fear have to effect everyone else. Why won’t this fear go away. Now just because of my fear, I messed up our chance to finally fish at a good spot. I hate myself for doing that, and i want to tell my brother how i feel guilty for making him take forever just to help me. The guilt kills me, even if it is a little thing to someone else.
Today when i arrived at church it was funny when the chorus people began to sing. as i watched them it became funnier because it looked like they were singing in a karaoke lounge. XD So like any sane person would do i laughed, silently. I had fallen asleep after that cuz it got boring, but when it finally ended i was the most wide awake and happy person in the world. The cool thing later was that i went fishing with my brother at coyote lake, Anderson lake, and..well i don’t remember the last one, but hey who cares it was fun. ^_^ My day ended on a good note in some weird way. @.@
I remember some months ago, last year in November in i believe. My father had told me a story about part of his family. He had been part of this sad experience and curse.
“One day a father and son had decided to take a walk. The relationship between them wasn’t a close one whatsoever. On this cold morning, as they began to walk his father who was quite old began to grow tired. The father called out to his son, telling him to slow down and wait for him. The son then said to his father ‘Why don’t you sit down to rest, and i’ll go walk ahead a bit and come back after’. So the father agreed to let him walk ahead and return later, though in the father’s mind he knew his son would not return. His father had died that cold morning day. Many years later the boy who had now become an old man as well had decided to go on a walk with his son on a cold morning day. Just as the boy had a bad relationship with his father, he had the same bad relationship with his son. After a while on the walk with his son he began to grow tired. He called out to his son telling him to slow down and wait for him to rest. Then the son said to his father ‘Why don’t you sit down to rest, and i’ll walk up ahead a bit and come back for you after’. The father then said with tears rolling down his face ‘i already know what you’ll do, because i had done the same to my father, I had left him here to die and thats what you’ll do to me’. The son staring at his father then told him ‘I’m not going anywhere’. Helping his father continue to walk back home breaking the curse, his own father had created.”
So who said we can’t change the future. Our decisions. Our choices to make. We can do whatever we want to do. By doing one little thing we can bring a new and brighter change among our family of generations. We make our own future. Do you really want your children and their children to continue to pass a curse among your family? Only you can make a difference.So what are you fighting for to change in your life?